no to be told

27th March 2008. Day of dreams and hope. 311 and the Crazy Girls are here, going to Genting Highland. The first one-of-a-kind gathering and it won't be the last. Early in the morning or should rewind back earlier, was chatting with her until 3 ++ am. feeling great each time chatting with her.




flashing back, Before going to National Service I don't believe in love on first sight but on 29th December 2007, I do believe in it. 9++ am the very first step i stepped onto the bus and she's the first person I saw. her eye catching hairstyle and the 'high class' appearance she possesses just struck me in my heart. since then, for the 2 1/2 months in Penor I've been looking and thinking of her. we were in the same Character Building class, CB4 but sadly enough, I wasn't in the same group as her and we din even talk to each other. Parts of the reason why is I was too afraid to talk to my crush, i have no courage, and the 'lc' appearance I have to put on my face due to the sarjan post i was holding. Only until days before the Chinese New Year Break, the Integrasi Class closing ceremony , and thanks to Shida, Charlie's Asst. Squad Leader paired us up for the fashion show aka cat walk for the kelas kebudayaan. I was wearing a bright green baju melayu belongs to Ewan and she was dazzling in a green kebaya. Til that point, the crush, or not, love on her deepens. during the practice session, we only had roughly 3 hours to practice up for this. i realise she is a playful girl, unlike the 'classy' looks she have on her face. she's a nice person to talk to too. the other 2 pairs amirul & nana, Bob & suvisha didn't even catch my attention. my attention and mind was all set on her, treasuring every moment because i noe this is something i never had dream of. A big regret was I din get to have a photo with her in the outfits.



during the 5 days CNY break, I had a chance to visit her house aka bai nian. thanks to Allan. 9th February. I was amazed with her friendliness. her sis and bro in law was in too. gambled once or twice and entertaining her, making myself as friendly as possible too. after that we was back to the camp to continue our training. amazingly, she handed me an angpau, as her parents weren't in when we visited her house. in addition, she cooks for the family, as the saying goes 'yap duk ten tong, chut duk chui fong' meaning brilliant in both housekeeping and kitchen work. a every guys' dream. after that, the long secret I held within myself in the camp for the past month was discovered by jacky, my best fren in Penor. But he wasnt the oni 1 that knew it. Guys from bravo guessed it, gals from bravo too guessed it and her dormates were making random guesses too as 'who is this sarjan's crush?' each and everytime I get near to wirawati's Charlie2 table, I was 'welcomed' with words saying "choo, dia suka awak" , "choo, awak suka dia kan??" , "choo, awak dengan dia secocok la" . each and every time i hear this, my face automatically turns red, heads down and started looking at the floor. this shows something which was they told the correct answer? vice verse, she was like "liking it" and couldn't do anything to stop their remarks. This makes me feel, "is she fooling with it and making fun of me?" the question makes me wonder in the camp for nearly a week. Luckily enough nobody realises.



Eversince I was appointed the sergeant of the camp, i have the chance to be standing in front of the trainess and have a good overview over each and everyone of them. I personally know from which angle to look from, everytime i am about to look at her, or just to have a peek at her I would be happy. Besides, if there's any wirawati from Charlie is sick, I would be asking Suvisha for the person's name, but making it as hidden as possible as so nobody would know my intention.



on 1st march 2008, I was greeted with a late night message saying why i didn't ask her out to celebrate my birthday together as the 311 had a celebration with me. REGRETTED for not doing so. after a few sms' reply she stops right there without saying bye, as what she does best. it makes me feel i am just a nobody to her.



8th march 2008. Potato, veris, simren and cui ting had been asking whether i m free or not on this day. I was in the 'plan' to celebrate the birthday of Ho Qing Yu, a surprise one. Was asked to sing birthday song from the burger shop as she was back facing me, holding a cake. the point wasn't about the celebration as I have nothing to do with it at all. i was just used for some reason. It was soo leng yze. I had a good 15 minutes talk with her regarding the question which they love to ask, am i liking her. I was told that she had some 'feel' towards me as they are dormates. leng yze could feel that she too had a crush on me, but just a short and weak one. I was asked to use the remaining 3 days wisely but i didn't. Anyway, it was jus some random guesses from leng yze, therefore it makes me doubt over it. am not sure when was it, but it was before that party, May lyn too asked me one question. "Choo, u like, or hate her?" I was trying to diverge the question to something else and thus no need to answer the question but may lyn was rent less in founding out the answer. It turned up, I didn't say whether i like her or hate her, then walking away as i was running away from the fact. REGRETS again as I was told that it was planned and Leng yze told me she was a disappointed person after hearing from may lyn about me turning away. the 3 days then passed rather too quickly as we were all busy with the closing ceremony's march past. She was placed in the 'E' squad, the extra ones in the line of each company. I was right at the back as where my usual place is, very nearby to her. I couldnt stop myself from looking at her at times.



then on, a day before the real closing ceremony, 11th march 2008, everybody was telling me that the best trainee award would be landed to me. I couldn't believe it. but at the same time someone was telling that ramlan is actually the one. It was until Edy and zamir from delta and charlie respectively told me I will be the winner only i believe. I was a happy guy tat time and went on expressing out my thoughts to her. had some chat then she say i should be treating her some meal for achieving the best. I did not ignore as i ask myself 'is this a chance she is giving me?'



after i was handed the best trainee of the camp, i was crying overjoyed and i don't know whether it is good or bad, she didn't know it and I couldn't even spot where about until i step into the canteen. She was with her gang and 311. so i took the opportunity to have some photographs with her and god she was looking great in each photo.

the persembahan malam. she did not take part in the persembahan, as a spectator. it was my turn, alpha's turn. I earlier asked her to see it, then give soem opinion on it. she did not, saying she was busy talking. disappointment but blame nobody, as it is the last night. besides, she was dazzling once again, in a blue sari. instead of jipah which i should be wearing, i was in a red t-shirt. after the persembahan, i quickly ask jay, a wira from charlie to lend me his shirt, the jipah. Thanks a lot to him, he handed the jipah he was wearing. without hesitation, i ask her for photograph. Only leng yze and elephant realised I asked her for photo.

midnight. blame myself for sleeping!! she was out there in the canteen alone. I was awake until 4++ am and then doze off on 5am where the time she is at the canteen. If i was awake i am sure i would be wandering around the camp and thus, spotted her in the canteen.




As we reaches Bukit Jalil, we was there, lining up 3 by 3 for the last time. command after command i gave and finally the keluar baris, I quickly turn around to look for her. I was trying to say something to her but i was too late. she's all but packed up and with her sister, walking away from me. I was thinking "will the be he last time I am seeing her?" staring from distance, her back looks just as great, but with the question keep on playing in my head i can't stop thinking the it will be the last time i m seeing her...

12th march. the spm result day. early in the morning sms-ed her asking how is it with the result thingy. she failed her history. she was a worried girl cause she was looking to read law as her further studies. i did all i could to cheer her up but it seems impossible as our relationship was just begining as a friend.

15th march 2008. saw wen xian from jerantut came to kl for the edu fair and stayed over in my aunt's house for a day. surprisingly, she knew it ans sms-ed me, saying "i heard someone say got our camp leng lui go find you wo". saw wen xian was her charlie's company mate, and thus why didn't she find her for initially, but me, someone who never talk to her before and staying overnight. this makes me feel she would be thinking "this guy is so flower-hearted". I am a willing helper, but i m not a playboy.

i sms her once in a while, just to make her know i remember her, care for her and also she's in my mind. Got the news she was given the permission to go to genting. I was so so so looking forward to that day which we will meet each other. She ask me to wait for her at maluri lrt station early morning on the 27th march 2008. perhaps the first test she's giving me? in a sms she sent me saying I am there not to help her carry luggage, but other reason. this makes me wonder what it is but she's reluctant to tell.

Upon her arrival from the bus, i offered myself to help her carry the bag but she refused, until we are in the lrt where i was looking after her bag. reach titiwangsa kind of early and met shao lin. waited and waited and waited until 12++ for pei lin to come. that few hours i didn't had a good chance to get near her as i know, Pang also have a crush on her.. but i acted cool and never bothered about it.

on the bus, her ticket number was 18 and mine were 27..? wasn't sure but she would be sitting with a stranger. I did not hesitate to offer myself to exchange sit with her. she thanked me, sms with me until we reaches genting. upon reaching genting. I often offer myself volunteraly to help her carry her handbag and she did not seems to ignore it, nor liking it. was a 50:50 call.

after we placed our luggage at the lobby, we went for lunch and aft lunch I and harry potter went to snooker centre, she followed us, initially. she was looking to me to teach her in snooker but I WAS A STUPID MAN. i make her feel left out and then she went for bowling. after bowling, went to buy ticket for the movie, the water horse. check in and rested until dinner time. dinner at pizza hut was a rush one as we were late for it. movie starts on 9.15

going into the cinema, as every usual guy who had a crush on one particular girl would be looking to sit with 'her' which doesn't exclude me. but i jus acted cool and 'just be it' to be seating with jus anybody. as the leading person, sau shiun walking towards our seat, he was trying to play out a plan to sit with any of the 5 gals. he sit right at the middle of the seats and making us blocked. then on the gals were sitting beside him, but the rest lik me, mabox, pang and jacky weren't into our seat yet, so sau shiunn moved in, so as the girls but one. she did not move until every girl passes her and bang! here comes me. out of all coincident, I was seated beside her for the movie. we shared some popcorns, thanks to jacky and mabox. we shared our laughter too, towards some babies in the cinema, the movie and some other stuff.

after the movie, tried to get to the snow world, but it was closed. jacky asked me for a game at snooker but before tat he needs to get back to the room for his cigarates. I WAS A STUPID MAN for another time. she didnt follow this time, and went on walking around genting with the rest. harry potter didnt follow them too. they went and took some photographs and it was a big regret. they went oldtown to yamcha and then on only i and jacky join them. we did not went for snooker but walking around. a stupid decision i made.

in old town, i can jus feel something isn't right. jacky's up to something. he took up a challenge from her just to show her his braveness as a guy. I know he is up to something. I can jus feel there's a 2nd challenger. in the end, she lost 10 buck to him as jacky took up the challenge of talking with some other girls which were from national service too and had a photo with them.

after yam cha, went back room, and surprisingly she, joanne and pei lin came to our room for card game. she seated right beside me. first game, 'kam min toi'. i lost the game as i collected the most card and the punishment was having her lips gloss painted all over my face. reluctant at first but liking it at the end. second game, black jack with the punishment of slapping the lost player, with the banker changing every round. she was into the game and so am i. but i really don't like it when she gets a slap for losing any of the game. i feel bad too everytime i HAVE to slap her. as she was seated beside me, i had a great time chatting with her. played until 4 am ++ and then the last game, where sau shiun were the banker. he randomly say "lets make the last round big". he took up 'special' challenges from each and everyone of us. Harry potter challenge him to bath in cold water for 15 minutes, shao lindrink the whole jug of water, mine were pumping 30 times in 1 shot, her's slap on the neck for 10 times, joanne's were wearing the girl outfit and posting for photo, pei lin's were frog jump from 1 end to another and pang's were staying up the whole night. as the cards were distributed to us, i've forgotten my card but i won't forget her's. she had a blackjack initially, but she and i were anxious to see sau shiun to be in a girl's outfits, so she changed her card with joanne, who had a set of card which wasn't nice. as her turn arrives, she draw the cards but sadly, she had her pts were over 21, which means she would be losing it. she was afraid to have her neck slapped, as sau shiun is a serious guy when it comes to play. I tried to cheer her up for the good 2 or 3 minutes. next up, sau shiun's to draw the card. he too, got his pts over 21, but had 5 cards. Oh yeah, as she not only don't need to get slapped, but slapping sau shiun instead. sau shiun took up each challenge and all of us broke into laughter. i did not get to say good night to her.,as she was into her room earlier than pei lin and joanne. went to sleep on 4.45 am. How well i wish i could turn back time, to have a chance to say good night to her.

the next morning, the guys were overslept. she was the one that come knocking the door asking us to wake up as the girls were all but ready to get into the theme park. took our bath then went for breakfast at old town. at first she was sitting in front of me, but because of mabox, i have to change place with yuen en, yuen en don't want to sit with him. Never mind as i thought, cause it was her request in order to help yuen en. after breakfast, went straight to theme park, but shao lin did not until 5 plus, taking the ticket of mabox as mabox is leaving early and shao lin is all but runned out of money. shao lin was haveing some stomach upset too. went into the theme park and.. the first 1 we played were the horse circling in a round meant for kids. reluctant at first but after she asked me to get in, i just couldn't stand the face she put up asking me to join her in the 'game'. pang and jacky were there, again, to my displeasure. After that, went to the roller coaster, the small one. I was trying to get myself to sit with her but failed. Harry potter and guang guang was the one that seated with her. lucky as it weren't jacky or pang that get to sit with her. after that, went to the spinning stuff, the one like a swing. tried to get near to her but failed. but i was holding on to herhandbag, as she was too 'afraid' to hold it herself, scaring it will fly off. after that went to pirate ship. Again tried to sit with her, but failed again. nevermind though as she was right in front of me, holding her bag too. After that, went to the 'double decker bus' to have photographs. Did not have a chance to photo with her!! thinking back, I should be braver to ask her for photo, like what i did on the last night of the NS. Then on the worker came in and halau us, as we did not purchase any food to get into the vehicle, which is illegal. Saw a 'superman' like telephone booth. Did not waste a chance to take photographs again and again, did not get a chance to post with her. After that, joanne and her went back to hotel to change her shoe, as they wanted to have a go at the fun cart. i had a strong desire to follow her, to maximise the time with her. she might, or might not realise my existance, but i don't mind as all i would be the happiest man, spending time with her on my own. When i look into her face, everybody else in the world just seems non-existance to me...

I did a mistake of bringing them to the mamak, which was quite a journey. I can see from her discourage look, I made a big mistake. at one point while she was waiting for her food at the counter, i did not went to help. a heavy and expensive lesson. after that went to the resort hotel, and then going up and up and up again. i can see from her expression, she wasn't happy. how stupid can i be? I keep on asking myself such question. went to resort hotel and even reaches the cabel car floor. the swimming pool of genting hotel too were visited. had some photo here and there but again, i did not get to photograph with her.

regroup after the rain stop my intention to play the space shot. after she left with joanne to change the shoe, it just seems pointless going to play any of the games. as she reaches, staring from far my lips curved up by itself. the rest of the guys, except me, joanne and li pin and her went for the corkscrew, the giant roller coaster. we then went on to the fun cart. it was obvious i purposelly don't want to join the others but her, but i don't mind other people's opinion anymore, as it kills, missing her. then on harry potter and shao lin joined us as harry potter earlier went to look for his fren and shao lin just get the wristband from mabox which just left. lining up for the fun cart, tried my best to talk to her, but i just seems muted when facing her. i guess it was usual as someone's facing his or her crushes. as we reaches our turn, seated in the 'undang' room, i tried to make up funny face with harry potter to ease the tense. as we get into the 'car' she was on the other lane, to my right. initially, her lane was the first lane to be set off, but after some guy cut into her line, the operator stopped her lane, and let go our lane instead. the first 2 laps i did not get to see her, only harry potter was right behind me all the while. then on at the other side of the starting line, the half of the lap, i suggested to harry potter to stop and wait for the others. stop we did, and here she comes. she bang straight into harry potter's back and looking at her laughter, i smile myself from the within of my heart. we continued our race, and i purposely slowed down to wait for her. her car was faster than mine, so i tried playing with her, bumping into her car. then on i just surrender and let her pass, just for her to be happy. during the last lap, i was behind her all the while, looking at her back which was good enough for me to be happy myself. after the go cart, the rain starts falling. sau shiun and co did not get to taste the go cart. it rains heavilly, the only place we could go is the crazy science lab. while lining up she was right behind me. as we move in, the lower deck mostly were occupied by the guys. i therefore move up, hoping that she will follow but she did not. disappointment yet again. rain doesn't stop. we were forced to retreat, back to first world plaza. Snooker again were the trouble maker. i shouldn't really play any game at all in genting this time around. this causes me to miss a chance to have dinner with her. after we bought our snow world tickets which will be on 10.30, they initially say wanna get back to hotel to rest, while some will have maggi as dinner. so i just thought, alright 1 game doesn't take long, so I, jacky, harry potter and shao lin went on to play. after the game, we went back to hotel, thinking they all were inside but we were wrong. they did not. It was until i call them asking where abouts were they only I realise I wasn't suppose to play that bloddy snooker game. too late to regret thou, wasted half an hour in the room, then only we go for our dinner at mary brown. i can roughly remember the time. it was 8.45 only we move and look for them. they were in the K-box, singing karaoke. I and shao lin went in to have some fun with her inside singing songs. her voice still remain deep in my heart.

after that, some of them went back to the room to change shoe, shirt or pants for the snow world. She have to change too. I did not waste the chance and followed. heart broken as i earlier said, shouldn't have played any snooker game in genting. they had their 'partner'. Sau shiun with joanne, guang guang with pei lin and pang get wat his desire were. luckily enough it was only a joke. gathered at the entrance of the snow world. this time around i did something which i will not regret. I personally helped her to get her the jacket and glove. i helped her to tidy up the glove and sleeves too. additional image point ? hope so.

as we were in the snow world. jacky did something i appreciate. he told me, "last chance for you to show yrself up and have fun with her" it really make sense as tomorrow we'll be back to KL. so then i have fun with her, throw snows at her and helping her to 'revenge' anyone who threw snow towards her. after that we get our ice cream as I, jacky and her seated together to have the ice cream. after the ice cream, we went for the slide thingy. i went first as what she asked for then she followed. at this point yet another mistake as after she reaches the bottom part, i did not help her up. blame myself for being so clueless and careless. I went in and out of the snow world as my ears and fingers cant take the sudden coldness. each time she follows which makes me feel comfortable and everytime she's outta snow world i too would follow her, helping her to remove the ice on her hair, ears, jacket, back of her neck and the glove. time's up as we move out of the snow world, we quickly rush back to our room looking for a hot shower. after i enter my room, i did not hear anything from her until she knocked and it was pang that answered. she was sick and having a cold. I tried to make an excuse to get down and get some medicine but i did not have the courage. I was afraid the other would realise that and she herself wouldn't like it. Hiding it behind my face was a worry side of mine as i was worry about her getting sick. then on billy came calling us to yam cha. the 4 guys which will be goin for movie agreed. so as i think, this wuld be a great chance to buy medicine for her. as i went out, i knock on their door asking whether they wanted to join us along or not. but my intention were simple. i was trying to peek into the room, have a look over her condition. surprisingly, joanne say she would like to follow and told me, harry potter and sau shiun to wait. waited as i do, then joanne comes and ask me can i come back up 15 minutes later to get her to the yam cha as she needs to brush herslf up. without hesitation, i answered yes. even til the end of the world i would do it, without any regret. but the plan changes as she say she's fine and ready to go, so as the rest of the other girls. shao lin and jacky followed along. reaches old town and joined billy. as the other 4 left for the movie, left me, jacky, shao lin and billy. billy then started some nonsense which irritates her. I was good enough to control my emotion as not to stop billy from saying wat he said. he said "ah kuan, help me arrh'. it really fire up my temper. of everybody he can make fun of but not her. after that, we leave old town, jacky did something again. instead of me giving her some medicine, he did, the leftovers of his panadol soluble. but to my comfort, she's all but fine. it doesn't matter as to who gavethe medicine, as long as she's fine i'll be happy.

reaches hotel and she changed her pants and came over for card game. this time we're not so 'climax' because we were short of 4 person , adding that joanne fell asleep on my bed. played until the other 4 finish their movie which was nearly 3am. play again and she's too tired to continue. went backto her room and sleep.

the next morning, i was awake by myself on 7.30. i couldn't sleep anymore, soi decided to get my phone and the earphone, sit at the outside of our rooms and listen to the songs. seated there for nearly 2 hours. get back into the room and continue listening to songs until 10 o 'clock. i decided to try to sleep again and sleep i did, until 10.30. joanne came to wake us up. packed and left the room. accidently the girls did not take the keys out, and joanne left her watch inside. i then on asked one of the housekepper for a help but he was reluctant to help as it is against the law. I and jacky then went to the lobby and meet the hotel personnel asking for an extra key. succesful and went back up. I and jacky then cheated them by saying we failed to get the key. she was standing right in front of the door. i have the key with me. after some 'acting' i went to the door and open it. she beats me at the back saying i am 'naughty' and i replied by 'jus fooling around' . she smiles in return and joanne get the watch back.

went to the bus station or the bus depart hall and bought our ticket. surprsingly, pang hand me the tickets. I was thinking to arrange my seat and her seat together, or not close to each other but failed. I gave he ticket to theguys first then only to the girls but my brain was just lik malfunctioned for once and handed her a ticket far from my number. it doesn't matter thou as we all miss the bus, ended up sitting in the bus half an hour later with all of us seperated. luckily enough i wasn't far from her and i feel great sitting there, watching her over from the back. she might not realise it but it makes me feel happy just to be able to watch her over. before we reaches titiwangse, she asked me where is the restaurant 'din wa chan teng' which is the telephone restaurant. i've heard of it but doesn't know where it that. i told her i would ask my sis for the location of the restaurant. but blame DIGI for that. I couldn't make any call out. then on she say she don't need the location anymore as she would is going back home, by lrt. i helped her buy the ticket to maluri and then I , jacky, sau shiun and guang guang accompany them until chan sow lin as we are in the sri petaling line and they were in the ampang line. chatted in the tren and got to know that joanne need to getto puduraya to purchase her bus ticket back to JB on monday. I did not hesitate to offer myself to help, just to let her know I am a willing helper, and thus having a chance to see her the next day.

Sunday, and early in the morning I was awaken by my parents to attend the wedding of my cousin sis. after that, I quickly 'run off' from the scene which was around 11+, get myself to Plaza Rakyat and help Joanne purchase the ticket. After purchasing the ticket, I rush to Sg Wang because every seconds counts. Missing her is killing me. Reaches the 6th floor and met in front of the Ghost Restaurant. initially thought it would be open for some scarry studd like a haunted house and some people pretending to be ghost just to freak us out. It turned out not to be. To my joy, she sit right beside me, where there were still places left available for her to sit. we then move out from the restaurant because there weren't any ghost or serve no purpose eating there. We changed our destination to Gasoline, a place she never been to. Laughter as they didn't took off their shoes and went straight into the seats, until the waiter nudged us and ask 'pls take off your shoes'. shameful moments but I like her naivity, and the way she smiles. she was initially seated beside li pin, 2 places after mine. I was thinking to sit with, or not close to her but failed. The menu comes and we pick our order. Surprisingly, we ordered the same drink, 'love a stranger' . as the food come 1 by 1, mine came quicker than hers. Hers, the chicken stick with french fries arrive kind of late. I purposelly eat as slow as I could, just to wait for her food to come. As her food comes, I was the person to take it from the waitress. I wanted to pass the food to her, but she say "leave it there, I'm coming over". I was over the moon at that moment. Share some jokes and chatted while we eat and every moment counts. I was careful in my words and try to be as caring as possible.

After eating, the girls, as expected, went shopping. I just acted to be a willing person to accompany them, but that wasn't true. All I want is jus a single moment to be with her, and I would be happy enough, even if I was having to walk the whole day. Each time walking around the mall, I would grab the chance to walk with her, and talk to her as much as possible because, I knew this might be the last time in a long time where I'll be able to be so close with her. When she's around, all the other people just seems to be non-existance. I really enjoy that day 30th March 2008 1.05pm - 6.30 pm. She left around 6.30 , rush back home to cook for the family. From there I also know that she does the laundry for the family too. Crush deepens.

As Joanne and Pei Lin were still in TS to shop, dinner time is up, so I decided to get my dinner at the station kopitiam in TS. It turned out, I get scolding from her, as she say i brought them for dinner and wouldn't be eating when they reaches home. Nevermind though as it gives me a chance to chat with her. As we chatted, I ask her about tomorrow's plan. She say they will be going to sunway, as Li Pin need to register for the Monash Foundation course. chatted and chatted, she then ask me am i going to Sunway tomorrow. At that point, I thought she would be going, so whatever it takes, I'll get myself to Sunway no matter what. Only then, she tell me she's not going, as she's having to clean the house for her auntie to come. I was about to say, I m pulling out, as it serves no point going without her. But as i think twice, if i pull out, she would have negative thoughts on me, so I can do nothing but to go. In a sms she also say 'means I cant see you lo on tomorow'. smiles from inside out of my heart. Go as we did, met them and had lunch at Italianies. Everytime Joanne receive a call I would be wondering is that her, out of many calls she receive, only once was her. Rush back to her house, something i m looking forward to. It gives me a chance to see her. As we reach, i have no more than a minute to look at her, but it's all worth it, better than having no chance at all to see her. Sent Joanne to the bus station, but she still miss the bus by a whisker. She then change her ticket to 4 pm, adding RM12 into it. I then tell her about it, and her response were kind of big, asking us what time we reach, how does that happened, and whether she have enough money or not. sms after sms, she stop all in a sudden again, making me feel like a nobody to her again.

April fool day. The night earlier, I receive a message right on 12 am, saying "CHOO WAI KIEN, I LOVE YOU" from See Lim. Its a april fool joke. receiving that message make me think again. I was thinking, should I send this message to her, or change the content? I end up changing the content to " her name(in chinese), I hate you " I dunno whether it is the right thing to do or not, but I am clueless at that point. She replied by saying i can type her name, but did she realise i m putting effort to learn her name, as told in the autograph book..? I wonder if she ever do..

The next day, Pei Lin sent me a message on 3++ asking me out with her, pang, shao lin and she. Without hesitation, i agreed, without thinking it is on april fool day. It turned out to be a prank, being laugh at by pei lin. What was in my mind was, she's going and I have to go, no matter what. Furthermore, pang is there. afterward, i send a sms to her, saying i was fooled by pei lin. I told her the content of the message too. but I wonder again, did she ever realise I agreed without hesitation because she's there...?

The night, finally somebody realise my mood isn't right. Joanne asked me bout my nick, "i m totally lost, totally.. i need to talk" first i pretended to be nothing, but she ask again, is it about study stuff? I say no and she say girls..? I say forget bout it la.. and she was quickly to know, it's about girls. I ask her some question bout girls, and that point she didn't know about the secret I am holding on. then, randomly, she ask " u lik her..? " I responded by saying.. dun simply say things and ask her back, why not say I like lipin, or yuenen..? she did not say anything and then I the conversation stops.

2nd April 2008, went to interview with pei lin, mz and pang. After the interview, gotto know pei lin was chatting with her all the while. Pei lin complaint to her too about how she perform in the interview. went to Times square for food, then i suggested to pei lin, "why not ask her for suggestion for food?" ask as pei lin did, but she reply, a sarcastic one, "shit la". Reaches home and on my computer straight away. Log onto friendster and realise... she login into her friendster, after a long time. The long awaited wait is over as i am finally in her friend list. I sms her then, asying "at last u login to yr frensta" she replied by asking "why aren't there any photo of mine". I tried to joke around and then, she stop yet again, without a word.

After being lost for such a long time, I decided to tell joanne my secret. I told her i had a crush on "her" (nt joanne). Joanne responded by "no wonder y'day when i say her yr response so big la" "you really like her?" "ya" i answered, asking"noe wats love on first sight?" she say yes and she say she wuld tell me a secret. "act in camp tat time... she also.. but she always say impossible de la" I was lik WAT THE FUCK?! my brain was empty at that time. dont know what to answer. I then show her 'this' diary of mine, and she ended up teaching me what to do next.......

3rd april 2008. A date i'll remember always. Woke up by calls from some job agents and the national service department. It was 9.45 morning. continue sleeping until 2++, on my computer and found Joanne. Had my breakfast, then something unexpected came. "wei u calm down 1st, I got something wanna tell you". "I think I get into trouble liao, I saw dai gao write msn like very sad... then i ask him lorr.. ask him is't like her" "then he got tell her de" "i ask him again, then he said go ask her.." "he said he wanna give up.. because got 1 more people oso like her.. that person is you" "he said he not suit her.. I tell him u oso said u not suit kuan" "he said no, you suit her" "i ask her, dai gao got tell you he like you ar?" joanne then said "i ask.. 311Group got a secretabout her ar?she ask me ask you de.." then she sms me, why you tell pang i ask" I myself then ask joanne, did she tell her that i like her too..? she say yes.. after the 'yes' she disconectted.. and never reply anymore....